Why Passion Isn't Selfish — The Hidden Cost of Abandoning Yourself After 40
Passion Isn't Selfish. It's Fuel.
"The world needs the version of you who's alive. Your family needs the version of you who's full."
— Kiley Suarez, The Joy Shift
If you've been carrying guilt for wanting more — for that dream you keep shoving down, that part of you that lit up before life got so crowded with everyone else's needs — this episode is for you.
This episode is for you if:
•You've ever thought "Who am I to want something that's just mine?"
•You feel hollow even though your life looks full from the outside
•You keep putting your own wants last — not occasionally, but automatically
•You're afraid that wanting more means taking something from the people you love
•You've buried a creative dream, a project, or a passion because it felt irresponsible
Here's what Kiley wants you to hear before you press play: the guilt you're carrying is not wisdom. It's training. And it's lying to you.
When Kiley finally started writing again — just a few minutes a day — everything shifted. More energy. More patience. More joy. Her family didn't get less of her. They got someone they hadn't seen in years. Her, alive.
📥 Download the free Midlife Reinvention Starter Guide — your step-by-step companion to taking the first brave step.
In this episode, you will learn:
•Discover why passion isn't a luxury — it's the fuel that makes everything else sustainable
•Understand the hidden cost of self-abandonment, and why the people around you feel it too
•Learn Kiley's five-step framework for carving out space for what lights you up without dropping your responsibilities
•Hear Kiley's full origin story: five published novels, a podcast, and a coaching practice — all built while running a busy urology office, supporting a daughter in medicine, and working alongside her son
•Understand why joy multiplies — and why your family gets more of you, not less, when you stop abandoning yourself
In this episode, we cover:
– Why the "good women give, selfish women take" lie is the most damaging belief in the midlife women's experience
– The moment Kiley stood in her kitchen and asked: "Is this it?"
– Why burying your passion doesn't protect your family — it costs them the vibrant version of you
– The five-step framework: start embarrassingly small, anchor to existing habits, schedule it like it matters, reframe the guilt, and remember you are worth it
– Why joy multiplies — and what Kiley's family actually got when she started writing again
– The legacy question: what are you showing the people watching you?
A question to sit with this week:
What did you love before life got so crowded with everyone else's needs? What would it look like to give that thing five minutes this week?
Resources & Links:
•📥 Download the Midlife Reinvention Starter Guide —
•🎙️ Listen to Episode 1: The Permission Trap — (referenced in this episode)
•📅 Book a Clarity Session with Kiley — calendly.com/kileysuarez/clarity-session-kiley
•🌐 Learn more at https://joyshifthub.manus.space/
Follow The Joy Shift:
•Instagram: @IamKileySuarez
•LinkedIn: Kiley Suarez
Leave a review on Apple Podcasts — it helps other women in midlife find this show.
Transcript
So here's something I need you to really hear.
Speaker A:And let it land.
Speaker A:That thing you keep shoving down.
Speaker A:That dream you abandoned, that part of you that lit up before life got so crowded with everyone else's needs.
Speaker A:It's not asking you to leave anyone behind.
Speaker A:It's asking you to come back to yourself.
Speaker A:I know what you're thinking.
Speaker A:I should be spending this time with my family.
Speaker A:There's too much to do.
Speaker A:Who am I to want something that's just mine?
Speaker A:That guilt you're carrying, it feels noble, like it proves you're a good person.
Speaker A:But what if I told you that guilt is lying to you?
Speaker A:What if the thing you're convinced is selfish is actually the most generous thing you could do for the people you love?
Speaker A:Love.
Speaker A:Today we're flipping the script on passion.
Speaker A:Guilt.
Speaker A:Welcome to the joy shift.
Speaker A:I'm Kylie Suarez.
Speaker A:Let's get into it.
Speaker A:By the end of this conversation, you'll know why.
Speaker A:Passion isn't a luxury.
Speaker A:It's fuel.
Speaker A:You'll see the hidden cost of abandoning yourself and walk away with real tools to carve out space for what lights you up without torching your responsibilities or your relationships.
Speaker A:Let me take you back a few years.
Speaker A:I was running my husband's urology practice, which I still do as of today.
Speaker A:My daughter was in medical school.
Speaker A:My son has come to work with us.
Speaker A:From the outside, life looked for full and successful.
Speaker A:And it was.
Speaker A:But I was still exhausted in a way no amount of sleep could fix.
Speaker A:Not tired.
Speaker A:Tired.
Speaker A:So tired.
Speaker A:I remember standing in the kitchen one night after everyone had gone to bed, the house finally quiet, our big old bull mask asleep in the corner.
Speaker A:And this thought just landed.
Speaker A:Is this it?
Speaker A:I had everything I was supposed to want.
Speaker A:A strong marriage, two thriving adult kids, financial stability, meaningful work.
Speaker A:But I felt hollow.
Speaker A:The truth was, I had wanted to write for years.
Speaker A:Stories had lived in me for decades.
Speaker A:But anytime I considered actually doing it, the voice would show up.
Speaker A:There's too much going on at work.
Speaker A:You should be supporting your kids right now.
Speaker A:What about your husband?
Speaker A:Who are you to want something just for yourself?
Speaker A:So I buried it again and again.
Speaker A:I thought if I kept giving to the practice, to the family, to everyone else, eventually I'd feel fulfilled.
Speaker A:Instead, I felt like I was disappearing.
Speaker A:Here's what I've seen again and again, especially women in midlife, Especially when I had to do my practice in life coaching, who'd been sold a lie.
Speaker A:The lie is good women give.
Speaker A:Selfish women take.
Speaker A:And anything just for you must be taking something from somebody else.
Speaker A:So we put ourselves last.
Speaker A:Not occasionally, but systematically, automatically and quietly.
Speaker A:But it costs us.
Speaker A:And not just us.
Speaker A:When you bury your passion, you don't just lose a hobby.
Speaker A:You lose you.
Speaker A:The creative, energized, fully alive version of you.
Speaker A:And the people around you feel that loss, too.
Speaker A:They get functional.
Speaker A:You not vibrant.
Speaker A:You resentful.
Speaker A:You not present.
Speaker A:You yuan fumes, not you lit up.
Speaker A:I think about my kids during those years.
Speaker A:Even as adults, they were still watching.
Speaker A:What was I showing them?
Speaker A:That passion gets shelved once life gets serious.
Speaker A:That a woman's wants should always be last in line.
Speaker A:That's not the legacy I wanted to pass down.
Speaker A:I'm sure it's not the one you do, either.
Speaker A:When you reclaim your passion, you're not taking anything from your family.
Speaker A:You're giving them a better version of you.
Speaker A:We talked in episode one about the permission trap.
Speaker A:How we're never given full permission to want things for ourselves.
Speaker A:This is where that trap does its worst damage.
Speaker A:It convinces us our joy is a threat.
Speaker A:There's only so much to go around.
Speaker A:But here's the truth.
Speaker A:Joy multiplies.
Speaker A:When I finally started writing again, just a few minutes a day, everything shifted.
Speaker A:More energy, more patience, more joy.
Speaker A:My family didn't get less than me.
Speaker A:They got someone they hadn't seen in years.
Speaker A:Me, alive.
Speaker A:Me, vibrant.
Speaker A:So how do we actually do this?
Speaker A:Because I know you.
Speaker A:You're not going to blow up your life.
Speaker A:I didn't either.
Speaker A:You're not going to drop your responsibilities.
Speaker A:I couldn't either.
Speaker A:That's not who you are.
Speaker A:And guess what?
Speaker A:You don't have to.
Speaker A:This isn't about an either or situation.
Speaker A:It's about a both.
Speaker A:And here's what actually works.
Speaker A:1.
Speaker A:Start small.
Speaker A:Like, embarrassingly small.
Speaker A:Don't wait for an hour of free time.
Speaker A:Start with 5 minutes.
Speaker A:Write a few lines.
Speaker A:Doodle dance to one song.
Speaker A:Tiny actions count.
Speaker A:Two, anchor it to something you're already doing.
Speaker A:No need to find time.
Speaker A:Instead, listen to a podcast during your commute, sketch while your kids do homework.
Speaker A:Swap 20 minutes of scrolling for something that lights you up.
Speaker A:Three, schedule it like it matters.
Speaker A:If it's not on your calendar, it won't happen.
Speaker A:Block it off.
Speaker A:Treat it like any other commitment.
Speaker A:Four, Reframe the guilt, because it will show up.
Speaker A:When that voice says, this is selfish, say, this is fuel, this is necessary.
Speaker A:5.
Speaker A:Remind yourself you are worth it.
Speaker A:Not because you earned it.
Speaker A:Not because you finished the to do list, because you are a whole human being.
Speaker A:You're allowed to want.
Speaker A:You're allowed to live.
Speaker A:I want to leave you with this last thought.
Speaker A:The woman who started secretly writing during the pandemic, afraid to want something for herself, is the same woman talking to you now.
Speaker A:Since then, I've published five novels, launched this podcast, built up coaching practice while still running a busy urology office, supporting a daughter in medicine, working with my son, and saying goodbye to a beloved bull mastiff who saw me through that chapter.
Speaker A:Today, I've got a schnauzer puppy who keeps me on my toes and a creative life I didn't think I was allowed to have.
Speaker A:Not because I walked away from my responsibilities, but because I finally stopped walking away from myself and everything got better.
Speaker A:Not perfect, but alive.
Speaker A:Not just functional, but full.
Speaker A:That's what's waiting for you, too.
Speaker A:If you've been carrying guilt for wanting more, I want you to hear me clearly.
Speaker A:The world needs the version of you who's alive.
Speaker A:Your family needs the version of you who's full.
Speaker A:And you deserve to meet her.
Speaker A:So here's your challenge this week.
Speaker A:Find one small way to reconnect with something that's yours.
Speaker A:Fifteen minutes in the morning, an hour this weekend.
Speaker A:Whatever it is, make it yours.
Speaker A:And when guilt shows up, say, this isn't selfish.
Speaker A:This is necessary.
Speaker A:Before you go.
Speaker A:First, share this with one woman who's been dimming herself down.
Speaker A:She needs to hear this.
Speaker A:Second, leave a review.
Speaker A:If this show has meant something to you.
Speaker A:Those reviews help more women find this space.
Speaker A:Third, hit, follow or subscribe so you don't miss.
Speaker A:What's next?
Speaker A:We're diving deeper into reclaiming your time, your energy, and your identity.
Speaker A:Want to take the next step?
Speaker A:Download the Midlife Reinvention Starter Guide free in the show notes and thank you for being here.
Speaker A:Thank you for listening, and thank you for being brave enough to want more.
Speaker A:Even if it feels dangerous.
Speaker A:Especially when it feels dangerous.
Speaker A:See you next week.
Speaker A:This is Kylie Suarez with the Joy Shift.
Speaker A:Okay, here's what I have to say to make the lawyers happy.
Speaker A:The Joy Shift podcast with Kylie Suarez shares my personal views and the experiences of my guests.
Speaker A:It's meant for inspiration and conversation, not medical, psychological, or financial advice.
Speaker A:Everyone's situation is different.
Speaker A:Before making any big changes in your life, talk with your healthcare provider, mental health team, financial advisor, or another qualified professional.
Speaker A:Take what resonates, leave the rest.
Speaker A:Always choose what's right for you.
